Getting started with adoption

Adam Pertman, a father of two, adopted because he and his wife couldn't conceive. Kathryn Creedy, a single mum, chose adoption because she wanted children, but didn't want to be pregnant.

Just as there are a multitude of reasons for adopting, there are also many ways to go about it. For those first setting out to adopt, the choices are often bewildering.

Should you pick an infant from a Beijing orphanage, or an older child out of foster care closer to home? Would it be best to work with an agency, or retain a private solicitor? How open a relationship, if any, do you want to have with the child's birth mother.

"The most simplistic answer at the beginning is: educate yourself," Pertman says.

In addition to having adopted twice, Pertman is the author of Adoption Nation: How the Adoption Revolution Is Transforming America, and he leads the Evan Donaldson Foundation, an adoption policy, education, and research group.

Pertman wasn't an adoption expert before he adopted his first child, Zachary. Like most people are when they first consider adoption, he was in the dark.

Before making a big commitment such as marriage or pregnancy, Pertman says, "We get some sense of the landscape before we jump in." Adoption ought to be no different, but it is. Approaching most of life's milestones, we already have some sense of what's involved. "In adoption, because it's been a whispered secret for so long, we haven't developed those instincts," he says.

Owing to this history of secrecy, you may have negative feelings about adoption, so the first step is to confront that.

Although adoption is "often a second choice," Pertman says, "it's not second best."

"The vast majority of adoptive parents come to adoption through infertility, but there are many of us for whom adoption was our first choice," says Creedy, executive director of the Institute for Adoption Information. Like Pertman, she became an adoption expert and advocate as a result of her experiences - and love for her adopted children.

"We keep secrets about things we're ashamed of," Pertman says. "I'm not ashamed of how I formed my family. I love the way I did it. I love my kids. We should be proud."

The right route

Choosing the right route to adoption means, ultimately, choosing the right child - not just one that will please you, but one for whom you can provide the best upbringing.

Creedy tells of one couple she counselled on adoption, who were white. "They were adamant that they didn't care about the race of the child and that they wanted to go overseas," she says. "A black child did not faze them at all. They were open to any and all possibilities.

"I said, well, I'm glad to hear that, but what is your milieu? In other words, how are your parents going to feel about a black child? And how are your neighbours? And how is the school?"