Role reversal: caring for ageing parents

Hannah Kalil is 83 years old, and lives by herself in upstate New York. She has home helps but the responsibility of managing her finances; health care, both mental and physical;  and long-term living situation falls to her daughter, my mother, Eleanor.

It's almost a full-time job. Making sure my grandmother is happy means daily visits. Her never-ending stream of medical issues means weekly, if not more frequent, trips to the doctor. Paying her rent and her helpers around the house means constant vigilance if she is going to have any financial security in the long term.

To make matters worse, my mother shoulders these responsibilities on her own, despite the fact her two brothers and sister all live nearby.

This situation is not uncommon: When an ageing parent needs care, it's often one child who steps up to offer help. And with more people living longer  this scenario will only become more familiar.

Experts have given insights into what it means for adult children, like my mother, who are put in a position to care for their ageing parents. How the one child who shoulders the responsibility of parent-care can enlist the help of others, without starting a family war.

The dynamic of age in both Europe and America has shifted dramatically over the last 60 to 80 years, experts agree, and its impact on the family is clear.

"There is definitely a changing age structure within families today", says Dr Neal Cutler, executive director of the Center on Ageing for the Motion Picture and Television Fund in California, in the US. "Its cause is simply greater longevity".

With more people living well beyond their 70s, more adult children are in a position where they have to be carers for their ageing parents.

"There's a greater likelihood today that, as a 55-year-old, you will have surviving parents, than there was say in the 1920s when both parents passed away before you reached the age of 50", says Cutler. "This means that middle-agers, who are planning for their own older years, also have to think about their parents".

To complicate matters, one adult child of an ageing parent often bears the responsibility of the parent's care alone. What factors play a part in determining who takes on the care of Mum or Dad?

"There is a gender bias in terms of who cares for an ageing parent", says Dr Lisa Hollis-Sawyer, coordinator of the Gerontology Program at Northeastern Illinois University, in the US. "It's fairly universal that we think of women as a carer, so their role in helping an elderly parent is not uncommon".

Another factor in determining who will take on the role of carer to a parent is age.

"It's also likely it's going to be the oldest", Cutler says. "While gender does play a big part, now, with women in the workforce, it's not necessarily the case anymore, and age and order of birth can come into play".

But there's more to who is going to care for a parent than gender and age. Instead, siblings should consider who is the best fit.

It's selective matching, explains Hollis-Sawyer, meaning that personalities, geography, simply who lives the closest, and finances all play a role in determining who might be able to provide the best care.