Men’s health centre

Great sex unzipped

Was it good for you? If you’re like a lot of men, the chances are it wasn’t. At least, it wasn’t as good as you think it could have been.

You were consumed with anxiety, plagued by concerns over your performance and worried about the worthiness of your physique during lovemaking. Even if the act achieved the idealised heights of a Hollywood screenplay - she melted at your touch, you felt like a stallion, you writhed in unison to a volcanic climax - you still harbour suspicions: you’re fairly certain you’re not getting it as often as everyone else.

For creatures famously consumed by thoughts of sex, men remain remarkably confused about what great sex is and how to have it. We’re plagued by self-doubt, beset by myths and misconceptions.

First we should decide what great sex is. “For some men, it might be the ability to produce fantabulous multiple orgasms in their partner,” says Patti Britton, a clinical sexologist and author of The Art of Sex Coaching. “For other men, it might mean being able to last three minutes. Being a great lover means becoming a great lover to your particular partner, and that requires doing something very difficult: opening your mouth.”

Great sex tip 1: Take up pillow talk

Right. The mouth. Useful for kissing and other orally administered forms of arousal (none of which should be underestimated), it’s also a tool for communication. Try it. Tell her what you want. Ask her what she likes. Aim for trust and openness.

“If you get to know yourself and your partner, you’ll have a much more erotic and explosive sexual relationship,” says Joy Davidson, a psychologist and sexologist, and the author of Fearless Sex.

Great sex tip 2: Don’t believe all that chat in the pub

When men do talk, they often puff themselves up to their peers. Less apt than women to discuss their insecurities and more inclined to exaggerate their exploits, men paint distorted pictures of their sex lives for one another.

“A lot of men end up thinking that their sex life is missing something, that other men are having wilder sex or more frequent sex,” says Davidson. “They have a sense that the pleasure ship has sailed and left them behind.”

According to Michael Castleman, a sex expert and author of Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex, the average frequency of sex in committed long-term relationships is roughly once every 10 days.

Great sex tip 3: Don’t compare your sex life with porn

Men didn’t learn everything they know about sex from pornography. However, a lot of it they did, and that can be a problem. Populated as it is by flawlessly formed women and men with chiselled abs and equine endowments, adult entertainment makes many men wonder: What’s wrong with me?