Coming out guide: Expert tips for you, your family and friends

It was a revelation Kate had spent a long time thinking about: how to tell her friends she was a lesbian. She decided the best way might be to invite them out, one by one, for a drink and speak to them then. “I had built it up in my head but, in actual fact, they either knew or weren’t bothered,” she recalls.

Her parents, on the other hand, were a different matter. “I just was not used to speaking to my parents in that way,” says Kate. “Our family would do anything for each other but we don’t really have big heart to hearts.” In the end, it took Kate, now 28, ten years to tell her mum and dad about her sexuality.

A liberating experience

“I eventually told them because I found out my dad was asking my brother about it,” she recalls. “I regret it happening like that, as I think it’s a bit of a wimp’s way. It was over quite quickly. They said they had kind of known and that they just wanted me to be happy. I left asking myself why I didn’t tell them all those years ago, but also feeling quite liberated.”

Telling people about your sexuality - or coming out, as it’s known - can, indeed, be a confusing and nerve-racking experience. Perhaps because of this, gay, lesbian and bisexual charities such as the Lesbian and Gay Foundation (LGF), a national organisation based in Manchester which takes calls from all over the UK, receive more inquiries about this subject than almost any other.

Impossible to generalise

However, there is no definitive guide to coming out, as Lucy Rolfe, wellbeing coordinator at LGF says.

Each person’s coming out experience will differ and may depend on factors including:

• Your sexuality. Your experience of coming out may differ depending on whether you’re gay, lesbian or bisexual. For example, bisexuals may meet with confusion and, possibly, disapproval from others. “Sometimes people are quite judgemental,” Rolfe says. “They can’t understand why your last partner was a guy and now you’re with a girl.”
• Your cultural background. If you belong to a culture that is quite traditional and possibly homophobic, it may deter you from making your sexuality explicit. “People can fear being alienated from their community and culture,” says Rolfe, “but remember that, even if you aren’t accepted, there is another community out there that will love you for who you are.”
• Your personal circumstances. Some people realise their sexual orientation at an early age; for others, it doesn’t become clear until after many years - by which time they may have married and had children. “We are often contacted by people who have children and are concerned it will ruin their relationship with their family,” says Rolfe.