Sex & relationships health centre

ADHD in marriage and romantic relationships

A child with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or ADHD may continue to experience symptoms of the condition into adulthood.

The inattentiveness and difficulty finishing tasks that made it tough for children to sit still in school can evolve into self-esteem issues, trouble holding down a job and substance abuse problems. These symptoms of adult ADHD can also put a real strain on relationships.

Many adults with ADHD also have never been diagnosed. Until you know you have ADHD, you can't get the right treatment for it and your relationships may continue to suffer.

How does ADHD affect relationships?

The hallmark symptoms of ADHD - inattentiveness, difficulty completing tasks and impulsivity - can all wreak havoc on relationships. All of these issues can be complicated even more if children are involved.

Here are some of the problems you might face if you or your partner has ADHD:

• Difficulty listening and paying attention. An individual with ADHD can find it difficult to remain attentive during a conversation or talk out of turn, making it difficult to communicate. ADHD can cause the partner to feel as though what they have to say doesn't matter.
• Trouble completing tasks. ADHD can lead to poor organisational skills and forgetfulness. A man with ADHD may miss his wife's birthday or their wedding anniversary, or may forget to stop at the store on the way home from work as his wife had asked. This forgetfulness may make his wife feel hurt and think that her husband doesn't care, when he's actually forgotten because he has trouble staying on top of things. That same inability to finish tasks may translate into a lack of commitment when it comes to marriage or other relationships.
• Inability to handle responsibilities. Someone with ADHD might forget to pay the bills, neglect to clear a dangerous pile of branches from the garden or leave a toxic cleaner on the sink while the children are playing nearby.
• Impulsive behaviour. People with ADHD constantly need stimulation, and they can fail to think through the consequences of their actions. This can lead to reckless, irresponsible behaviours, such as driving too fast with the kids in the car.
• Emotional overreaction. Someone with ADHD can lose their temper easily, leading to major misunderstandings and sometimes big rows. Arguments can quickly spiral out of control because the person with ADHD is unable to talk through issues calmly.

ADHD can destroy your marriage if you don't get the right help. People with ADHD have higher divorce rates than those without the condition, according to one survey.

How can someone with ADHD get help for relationship issues?

The first step is to treat the ADHD symptoms that are interfering with your relationship. If you haven't already been diagnosed, see your GP who can refer you to a mental health professional (psychologist or psychiatrist). Many of the same treatments that work in children - such as stimulant medications, talk therapy and behavioural therapy - can also help adults with ADHD improve their focus.

Marriage or couples counselling can help you and your partner better understand one another, and can help heal any rifts that have developed in your relationship as a result of ADHD.

Some other strategies to ease ADHD-related relationship issues:

• Make to-do lists of everything from daily responsibilities to items you need from the shop. Also keep a calendar of important dates and deadlines.
• Ask the partner with ADHD to repeat back any requests, to make sure they understand what is being asked.
• Simplify your life by cleaning up clutter around the house and only attempting to accomplish a small number of tasks each week.
• Get into a routine. For example check your bank balance once a week to see how much money you've spent, or plan the entire week's meals every Sunday night.