Advice for a good relationship

In the UK an estimated one in ten marriages end in divorce. Are the lucky couples who continue to love and lust and live in relative harmony just that - lucky people whom the fates have blessed? Over Cupid's dead body! Love is not a present that is handed to you; it is a special kind of learned behaviour. We have consulted marriage and relationship experts in search of the best advice for a good relationship - five secrets for long-lasting love.

"We're born with the capacity to have a happy marriage, but we still have to work to develop it," says Dr Howard Markham, co-author of Fighting for Your Marriage. "Having a good marriage takes education," Markham says. "We have to unlearn some bad habits and acquire other good ones."

The other experts we consulted agree. The couples who remain close and content are the more persevering-spirited among us who share the same secret formula: when problems crop up, they do not give up. They use the following five basic pieces of advice for a good relationship that can help every couple live (more) happily ever after.

1. Listen!

"Everybody has the need to be listened to and fully understood," says Dr Jack Rosenblum, co-founder (with his wife of 29 years) of the "Loveworks" couples' workshops and co-author of Five Secrets of Marriage from the Heart. You need to make your partner feel understood, even if that means pushing aside some anxiety or sitting on your hands rather than offering advice when your partner needs to talk. Sometimes "mirroring," or simply repeating what your spouse has said, is enough to let him or her know that you have been listening. For example, say something like, "I understand you're upset because I didn't take out the trash." Or "I realise that you want to talk about what happened at the office today." Provide evidence that you are paying attention to your partner's concerns.

2. Set aside regular couple time

"Early on in a relationship couples talk as friends, they do fun things," says Markham. "But over time, those ways of connecting change." Work, family, financial problems, all have a way of taking over daily life and eroding the sense of fun that brought you two together in the first place. Bring the fun back - even if you have to schedule it into the calendar once every week. Sharing a physical activity, like a bike ride or a walk in the park, is especially good for lifting your spirits, along with your heart rate. Activities like going out for an intimate dinner, staying at home and playing music from your younger days, or watching a favourite film will help both of you to remember why you chose each other. If money is in short supply, do babysitting swaps with a friend and plan a picnic in the park. There are 168 hours in a week: make a commitment to devote at least two of those hours to your relationship.