Do opposites attract?

She drives a car, he rides a motorbike; she is a football fan, he is a bookworm; he votes Conservative, she votes Labour. Do opposites really attract? Is it good if they do?

It depends what you mean by ’opposite’. "I believe unresolved patterns attract," says Paul Cutright, author of You're Never Upset for the Reason You Think. "What most people call falling in love is really falling in pattern," he says. " Relationships are about getting our own needs met, often on an unconscious basis. In other words, we try to find someone who is complementary to us and can help us learn, heal and grow."

In a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences in July of 2003, researchers surveyed 978 residents of Ithaca, New York, between the ages of 18 and 24. First, the participants rated the importance of 10 attributes of a long-term partner, and then rated themselves on the same scale. When the results were tallied, self-perception was more likely to match mate preference.

The conclusion was: "In Western society, humans use neither an 'opposites-attract' nor a 'reproductive-potentials-attract' rule in their choice of long-term partners, but rather a 'likes-attract' rule based on a preference for partners who are similar to themselves across a number of characteristics."

Those people were not married, though

"I don't really think opposites do attract," says professor William Ickes. "But the study did not look at marital stability; these young people were not married. Reality is more complicated than that."

Ickes believes that people “look for a complement, not someone identical".

Elements of attraction

What are some significant ways people can be alike or opposite?

• Physical attractiveness. "I think we seek a certain level of attractiveness similar to our own," Ickes says. "The Beast looks for Beauty, not the other way around." If unattractive people pursue attractive people, they are not as likely to be successful, so soon stop doing it.
• Money. If you do not have much money, you may aspire to find a mate who is better-off, Ickes says, "but what is the chance this person is interested in you?"
• Desire for children. If the desire for a family is a source of contention, similarity of desire might be better, Ickes says.
• Religion. "I know some successful mixed marriages," Ickes says. "If you respect and tolerate the differences and don't use the kids as pawns, you can choose your own [spiritual] path."
• Class. "How often do you see an aristocrat marry a commoner in real life?" Ickes asks. "That's so rare you only see it in the movies."
• Education. "Educated people do not tend to marry stupid people," Ickes says. "But uneducated people can be smart. You need to be able to talk, interact and share world views." 

"We are flattering ourselves as social scientists if we think we can intervene in these matters," Ickes laughs. "People who have studied attachment pretty much have learned that if two people are physically proximate and neither does bad things to the other, they can fall in love. They just have to be around each other enough. People do not look at a spreadsheet or checklist."