Do you hate your friend’s partner?

John is not a big fan of his close friend's significant other. The question is, what should he do about it? Should he open his mouth and risk the friendship with his unsolicited and probably unwanted relationship advice, grin and bear it, or simply avoid this friend when he is with her?

All are possibilities, the relationship experts tell us, depending on the nature of her offense.

Most of us have been where John is now, and many of us have lost good friendships along the way. The best way to preserve a friendship is to think carefully before you open your mouth and make sure you have good reason for speaking out. A little tact helps too when giving relationship advice.

In John's case, the girlfriend in question is basically a killjoy. "She restricts my friend and dominates all his attention when we are in a group," he says. "If we are all out somewhere and joking and she doesn't like it, she gets into one of her moods, and that changes his demeanour," he says. "He's not the same when she's in the mix, so sometimes we don't invite them to do things."

If that is the only problem, says dating expert Lisa Daily, "then the answer is simple: hold your tongue. If you just don't like the person or you find them obnoxious, and you want to keep the friendship, keep your mouth closed. Because obviously, they see something in the person that you don't," says Daily.

Dr Susan Jaffe, a psychiatrist, agrees. "If it's just about not liking the person, then you should hold your tongue," she says. "Try to spend time with your friend alone, without the significant other. Or see them as a couple in a large group, so you can easily avoid the significant other."

Scripting your relationship advice

There are certain precarious situations where you must say something, Jaffe says. In those cases, "it's a very tricky business [and] tact is essential". Such situations include:

Bad behaviour: Let's say your best friend's new boyfriend propositioned you online or on the dance floor. Should you speak up?
"The thing about Internet dating is that it's right there in black and white and not like at a party where they can always say, 'I was just kidding,'" Daily says. "If this person has emailed you, just forward it to your friend without comment and let her make her own decision," she says.

If it is some other type of bad behaviour, you can ask questions that make them think, says Alison Arnold, PhD, a therapist and television presenter. For example, ask, "Did you feel comfortable with how he was last night or with how much he is drinking?" If they don't want to talk about it, then you have to let it go.