Life after divorce: Three survival strategies

16 years and three children into her marriage, Nancy Michaels' husband dealt her the blow of a lifetime. Out of the blue, he told her he wanted a divorce - but he wouldn't tell her or their children why he was leaving. Months later, a sudden and unexpected medical problem found Nancy close to death.

Unable to take care of her children while she was hospitalised, she risked losing custody of them permanently.

Now, less than four years later, with her health back, Michaels has risen from the depths of emotional despair brought on by the blow of an unexpected divorce, regained primary custody of her children, bought a house of her own and begun a website exclusively for women over 40 going through divorce.

Without question, coping with divorce can be one of the most difficult challenges a person faces in a lifetime. Mental health experts say the pain it causes rivals grieving the death of a loved one. However, as Michaels' story illustrates, surviving divorce is possible.

We spoke with those who know about the ordeal- adults who have been through a divorce, as well as counsellors who help people survive the effects of divorce - to learn what coping strategies work to help people through this trying time.

1. Seek out a support network

No single strategy will ease the pain and loss that divorce brings. However, time and time again, when asked how best to weather the effects of divorce, respondents say this: rely on a support network.
"Recognise your support network. If it's not strong enough, build it up," says Jennifer Coleman, a life transition coach who works with divorce clients.

For Michaels, her support network while surviving divorce initially consisted of one good friend. "She has a great sense of humour," Michaels tells us, recalling how she went from crying alone in a cinema as she watched a romantic love story to laughing out loud afterwards when her friend insisted they go to dinner together.

At the suggestion of the judge who oversaw her divorce case, Michaels then expanded her circle of support to include the group Women with Controlling Partners. She's glad she listened to him. "When you get divorced, most of your old friends run. They're no longer thrilled to have you in their house; there's a dynamic that shifts considerably," she tells us. That hasn't been the case with women in the support group. "We have Friday night pizza with our kids. We'll give each other a ride to the airport if we need it. It really has saved my sanity," Michaels says.

Finding support is not just for women. While women tend to seek and find support rather easily while coping with divorce, men are more likely to hesitate to reach out to others, despite having equally strong emotional needs. Consider David Wood, a handyman who recently went through a bitter divorce. "I was embarrassed, even ashamed. I thought people would think less of me," he says.

It wasn't until a neighbour started sharing his own story about a difficult divorce that Wood felt comfortable enough reciprocating with his own woes - and found it incredibly cathartic. "You've got to open up," he says.

While emotional support helps people navigate the initially painful hurdles of divorce, the importance of shoring up assistance for practical purposes post-divorce cannot be overstated. Even before the clouds of her divorce lifted, Susan Perrotta knew she had to be a strong presence for her children, who were barely school age at the time. She made immense sacrifices to be there for them, sometimes pulling all-nighters to complete art projects for clients, then seeing her children off to school in the morning.

A single mother with no family in town, Perrotta essentially raised her children on her own. However, she strategically sought and took advantage of support resources available to her. "I made friends with teachers and staff at my children’s schools. They were fantastic," she tells us.

She also chose to move to a close-knit neighbourhood where she could call on neighbours for help in a pinch. She used her doctor as a sounding board, recalling him as a wonderful doctor who knew the children well. She also looked beyond differences with her ex-husband to get him involved. "I pulled him in when I needed his help. I made him work with me," she says.