Sex & relationships health centre

Seven relationship problems and how to solve them

It is the rare couple that does not, sooner or later, run into a few bumps in the road. If you recognise ahead of time what those relationship problems can be, you will have a much better chance of weathering the storm, experts say.

Ideally, a couple should discuss certain basic issues -- such as money, sex and children -- before they decide to embark on a life together. Of course, even when you do discuss these issues beforehand, marriage or a long-term, live-in relationship is nothing like you think it is going to be.

Every couple experiences relationship problems; those who are successful are those who have learned how to manage them and keep their love life going.

They gain success by sticking together, tackling problems and learning how to manoeuvre through the complex issues of everyday life.

Many do this by reading self-help books, attending seminars, browsing articles on the internet, going to counselling, observing other successful couples, or simply by trial and error.

Communication

You can't communicate while you're checking your Facebook status on your smartphone or watching TV.

Problem-solving strategies:

• Make time ... yes, an actual appointment with each other. If you live together, turn the mobile phones off, put the kids to bed, and let the answering machine pick up your calls.
• If you can't "communicate" without raising your voices, go to a public place like a library, park or restaurant, where you would be embarrassed if anyone saw you screaming.
• Set up some rules ... such as not interrupting while the other is speaking, banning phrases such as "You always ..." or "You never ..."
• Remember that a large part of communication is listening, so make sure your body language reflects that. That means, do not doodle, look at your watch, pick at your nails, etc., while your partner is speaking. Nod so the other person knows you are getting the message and rephrase if necessary, such as, "What I hear you saying is that you feel as though you have more chores at home, even though we're both working." If you are right, the other can confirm, and if what the other person really meant was, you are a slob and you create more work for me by having to pick up after you, perhaps they will say so - but in a nicer way.

Sex

Even partners who love each other can be incompatible sexually. Compounding these problems is often a lack of sexual self-awareness. But don’t give up. Sex brings us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a couple healthy.

Problem-solving strategies:

• Plan, plan, plan. Make an appointment -- and not necessarily at night when everyone is tired. Maybe during the baby's Saturday afternoon nap. Or ask the grandparents to take the kids every other Friday night for a sleepover. When sex is on the calendar, it increases your anticipation.
• If you cannot resolve your sexual relationship problems on your own, consult a qualified sex therapist, who can help you to both address and resolve your issues. Your GP can refer you to a sex therapist if they think it will help you resolve your problems, but this may not always be available on the NHS.