In a co-dependent relationship, the relationship may be more important to a person than they are to themselves. Patterns of co-dependency include denial, low self-esteem, compliance and control.
The concept of co-dependency was first applied to couples in which a partner has an alcohol or drug problem. Other issues in a couple's lives can foster co-dependency, too. One partner may have trouble controlling other impulses or simply not show much interest in the partnership. The other partner - who is the co-dependent one - may then work hard to 'fix' the problem.
Co-dependency can also arise when a partner is self-absorbed or uninterested.
The co-dependent partner may still find some type of reward in this relationship, perhaps through a sense of control.
Simply being in a relationship - even one that’s not ideal - may also be comforting for a person.
A common feeling is a person feeling worthless, with low self-esteem, and feeling they have to stay in the relationship because no one else would want to be with them.
People who are co-dependent often grew up in a household with similar issues, such as someone with an alcoholic parent growing up to be attracted to people who drink too much.
Is your relationship codependent?
Questions that can help identify a co-dependent relationship include:
- Is this relationship more important to me than I am?
- What price am I paying for being with this person?
- Am I the only one putting energy into this relationship?
Dealing with co-dependency
Relationship counselling may help a couple learn more about the problems they need to work on together. Often, one partner, such as someone with an alcohol abuse problem, needs individual counselling.
Support groups for people affected by someone else’s addictions may help.